


Anima - Betrayal

by panda_shi



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-War, Deathfic, M/M, Tearjerker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-21
Updated: 2015-08-21
Packaged: 2018-04-16 10:01:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4621146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panda_shi/pseuds/panda_shi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One of the first things they teach you is that your trust must fully rest on your Hokage's decision. What they don't teach you is that sometimes, the council’s vote can override the decision of the Hokage. That sometimes, the Hokage's orders are not the Hokage's orders.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anima - Betrayal

**Author's Note:**

> Welp. That's that. This is an old piece I honestly do not remember writing. Figured I might as well share it.

Iruka thinks he is a good soldier.

One of the first things they teach you is that your trust must fully rest on your Hokage's decision. What they don't teach you is that sometimes, the council’s vote can override the decision of the Hokage. That sometimes, the Hokage's orders are not the Hokage's orders. 

They tell him he has to leave, they tell him that he has no place keeping one of their sharpest dull, keeping him preoccupied. There is doubt in Hatake Kakashi's loyalty, there are questions in how he makes his choices. Iruka is only a chuunin, he doesn't know why there are things suddenly rising from the shadows against Kakashi. They tell him that as a potential Hokage candidate, Kakashi cannot afford 'distractions'.

Kakashi cannot afford to be 'biased'.

He cannot afford to be  _weak_ .

Iruka doesn't know when caring for someone has made someone weak. He doesn't know why having a  _home_ or a  _life_ somehow earns a title of being  _weak_ . He reasons, in good faith, that it's probably because of the war. There is paranoia everywhere, countries are still picking up the pieces destruction has left behind. And with Kakashi's name on the poll of candidates for Hokage, Konoha wants everything sharp.

He is going to be moved to Suna, a political act if anything, to strengthen their alliance and show that Konoha's people are Suna's people as well. Iruka pretends not to see the hooded look on Tsunade's face, pretends that the council seated beside her doesn't exist as he nods and turns around.

Iruka is a good soldier and what is best for Konoha, he must execute.

That night, Iruka steps into the garden of their new home. They are still building it, the foundations and skeleton of a two story house with a balcony and seating area in the rooftop present in the middle of the stone gated area. There is a pit for the koi pond, and a sycamore tree hangs a shade over it. Iruka has lost count on how many times he's babbled about having a house, with a big tree in the backyard and a koi pond. They'd be fat koi, he used to imagine and tell Kakashi when they lie in bed, sweat drying on their skin.

"I sometimes imagine what it'd be like, making love to you under a tree like that. You know the kind? Those big wide branches?" Iruka tells Kakashi one night, arm around his middle and fingers tracing a curved scar on his hipbone.

"Tell me about your dream house." Kakashi would say.

Iruka doesn't say anything about how he's said the same thing  _many times_ and instead tells Kakashi, with his lips against his lover's temple of how he imagines their home to be. He teases Kakashi, about how he'd probably lounge in the living area with his  _Icha Icha_ , or how Kakashi would be his usual distracting self when Iruka is trying to grade his homework, or worse, preparing dinner. Kakashi chuckles then, his chest rumbling and hands sliding under the sheets, pressing against the spokes of Iruka's spine.

"Well, I don't hear you complaining about  _distractions_ , Iruka-sensei."

 It's always like that, when Iruka speaks his mind, they end up tangled in each other, losing themselves in each other and giving more until they are breathless and all they can feel is the other person. 

And now, Iruka stares at the beginnings of his dreams coming true, of a home that Kakashi has started to piece together and feels bile rise to his throat at what he's about to do.

 He goes back to his apartment -- Kakashi had moved in a little after the war ended when they found it practical to share a small accommodation when Konoha was still in the process of being rebuilt. Iruka starts with his closet, emptying everything into traveling bags. He gets rid of his toiletries, packs his books and notes. He is emptying stuff in the fridge and making sure that there is nothing old in there. Kakashi can be a little irresponsible sometimes and with how Konoha has been running him ragged with missions, it's probably better that Iruka sets up everything for Kakashi's convenience.

The apartment is neat when Iruka is over, his bags lined up by the door.

The last thing he puts in his bag is a photograph and Iruka waits for Kakashi to come.

And Kakashi doesn't come home till dawn, just as Tsunade has informed Iruka hours ago when the order was given. Iruka is sitting on the couch, dressed for travel and waiting to kill Kakashi.

"What's this?" Kakashi asks, eyebrows knitting as he tugs his mask off and sets his travel pack on the floor.

Iruka can't pretend that he doesn't see how Kakashi's shoulders are rigid with tension, or how his slouch looks a little forced. Iruka knows Kakashi can see how there are a lot of things missing and has been put away. How the apartment looks emptier and a little bare -- the colorful boxes have been put to storage, the ones that contain what Iruka had been able to salvage from the war, little gifts from his students through out the years and with it the pictures, the finger paints, the little papermache figurines that sat on the windowsill along the potted plants -- those too, are gone. The pictures, the sheets, even Iruka's favorite pillow -- his orders were, after all, to put distance.

To put distance means to sever ties.

Why else would they be sending him to Suna?

"The council has chosen me as a candidate to teach in Suna. It's a political move, you know how these things go. I think this is a real opportunity for me to try to expand my horizons, be a better shinobi. Be stronger. You know, I can serve and be of better use this way." 

Iruka can't  _bear_ to look at Kakashi, not when he's lying through his teeth and not when he can't control the word vomit that is rolling past his throat. And Iruka knows Kakashi can see right through it, knows that when gloved hands grip his shoulders that it's over. 

Kakashi has always accused him of being a terrible liar.

Iruka knows he's a terrible liar.

He continues to lie anyway.

And chokes on his tears as he continues to speak, giving his explanation and reason and stabbing Kakashi in the heart, right where it's the softest and ripping it to shreds.

"I'll be gone for a long time. And I think -- I think it's in our best interest -- in  _my_ best interest that we go our separate ways. As it is, you are not around as much and -- and I can't. I can't do this. Gods, I can't do this Kakashi --" 

_\-- I can't say the words that will kill you because I know they'll kill you, I know they'll destroy you because there, when you look at me that way, when you shake your head and you must feel what I feel right now, when I say all these lies and you swallow them. You just take them because all you've done is want to make me happy, to make a home for us and you've done so much in trying to build the house we've spoken so much about and how we'd live and grow old together and I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this --_

"-- I can't do this anymore!" Iruka yells, blinks and buries his face in his hands. 

He feels burned when Kakashi catches him by the shoulders but Iruka struggles, pushes him away, puts bite and force in the push and shakes his head, taking steps back towards his bags and picking them up, strapping his traveling cloak on too.

 "Iruka, _don't_."

"Don't find me, don't distract me,  _don't distract yourself_ . This is our duty, this  _my duty_ . You shouldn't -- you should know better. This is what's best for you. You need to focus now, you need -- you need to be stronger. You might be the next Hokage and you can't afford -- I can't afford to have you in my life and this is -- this is what -- this--"

 " _Don't say it_."

 "This is what I want!" Iruka slaps a hand to his mouth then.

 And right there before him as he takes steps back, is Kakashi looking at him, _begging_ him to stay with his silence and when he opens his mouth to speak, when Kakashi reaches out to him, Iruka steps back and feels Kakashi's chakra spike, feels his own chakra spike when Iruka feels Kakashi moves and his hand attempts to grip him, Iruka snaps.

" _Don't touch me!"_

What he doesn't say is:  _don't touch me because if you do, I won't be able to do this. I won't be able to leave you. I can't leave you! It will kill you and I can't bear that thought, I can't stand the idea and I don't want to leave you, I want our home, I want to pick the furniture with you, I want to feed the koi with you and make love to you under that tree in the backyard, I want to live with you in the house_ **_you_ ** _built! I want to be with you, I don't want to be apart from you._

 Iruka bites his lower lip, grits his teeth and slaps his fingers into a familiar seal and shunshins out of his home.

 Away from his home.

It takes three days to reach Suna. 

It takes another three to settle. 

Iruka doesn't dare ask about Konoha either. He gets letters from his friends, from students, from Naruto and Sakura. They tell him about news, gossip, his colleagues mentions how the kids miss him and hope to see him in the summer holidays. Naruto mentions Kakashi in his every letter.

Within three months, Naruto tells Iruka that Kakashi turns down the title of Hokage and instead has nominated him to be the next Hokage. The mantle isn't going to be passed down until Naruto is ready.

A good two months later, Sakura writes saying that Kakashi is being reckless and taking too many missions. That Iruka should come home in the summer and give the stubborn jounin a lecture because the man just doesn't listen. Maybe if he happens to swing by Suna, Iruka can remind him that there's only so much medics can do to fix him up.

Of course, Kakashi never comes to Suna. And if he does, Iruka doesn't hear about him.

Doesn't see him, even.

And Iruka tells himself that he's fine. He wakes up every morning and prepares breakfast, he goes to the Academy, he teaches kids. He plans, he discusses with teachers, he sends the kids home with homework. Every end of the month, he meets up with the Kazekage and he reports his progress with the kids, gives him feedback the same way he's given Sandaime and Godaime on numerous times whenever the chuunin exams starts to show up around the corner. 

It goes on like this more another month and another and another until it stretches out to a year.

A year a half.

It's one of Iruka's many sleepless evenings since he's come to live in Suna when ANBU comes knocking on his door. They tell him that he needs to return to Konoha, that he needs to pack now, the Kazekage has been informed. 

Iruka had expected many things.

But he did not expect to walk into a hospital room to a see a man he doesn't even recognize. A man who looks weak and broken, bruised and  _tired_ and  _old_ , swathed in white and attached to tubes and no longer coherent. 

They say he took a really bad blow to the head.

Iruka knows that the blow had come way before that, when Iruka had picked up his bags and told Kakashi that he didn't want him in his life anymore.

"Iruka…"

"Shh…" Iruka says, breathing through a stuffy nose. His hands are in Kakashi's hair, pushing back the strands. Iruka is kneeling on his knees, elbows in the bedding and holding Kakashi's hand with his other hand. "Shhh, Kakashi. You need to rest."

Kakashi looks at him like he's a blessing, like a miracle. And it  _rips_ Iruka apart.

"You're real this time."

Iruka nearly bites through his lower lip as he brushes Kakashi's hair off his face, sees the lines of age and new scars on his face, and neck, bruises that aren't healing anymore peeking from underneath the thin sheet covering him. Not even advanced chakra healing can help Kakashi now, because the fatigue runs  _too deep_ . Kakashi is  _so tired_ . 

There's nothing they can do for him anymore.

"Yes. Yes, I am Kakashi. I'm here. I'm right here --" Iruka kisses Kakashi's temple, his forehead and his cheek, presses his cheek against Kakashi's forehead and  _holds_ him. "I'm right here --"

"Welcome home, Iruka..."

Iruka hears Kakashi sigh and nods. Keeps nodding and  _cries_ against his hair and when Iruka feels Kakashi's body go cold and doors open the Hokage steps in, Iruka loses it.

"I have served you, I have given you everything, I've done everything you've asked me to. I know you can bring him back! You're the best healer in the world and I know you can bring him back. Bring him back! I've never asked anything of you -- bring him back! Goddamnit bring him back! Please bring him back! Please!  _Please!"_

Nobody takes Iruka way from Kakashi.

No one has the heart to.

Iruka remains silent and doesn't answer when Naruto questions him, months later, after the grand funeral about what he meant that evening, in the hospital over a bowl of ramen.

Iruka simply smiles and tells himself, that he is a good soldier, like how he’s been telling himself _repeatedly_ every second since Kakashi had taken his last breath and answers:

_I must have just lost my mind at the time._

FIN 


End file.
